Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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