Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
