Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
