Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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