Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
