Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
