If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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