I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
