Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
