I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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