the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
