this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
