Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
