apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
