im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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