I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
