I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
