I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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