Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
