There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
