just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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