the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
