i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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