12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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