I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
