recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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