Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
