there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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