Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
