I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
