she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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