Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
