I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
