dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
