I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
