I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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