I looked at my own cervix.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
