Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
