This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I love you. Go after that dick
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
