oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
