Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
