Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
