i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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