Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
