So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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