some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
