i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
