hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
