dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
