You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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