Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
