it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
